Would you want to feel the way that I do?

8:40pm: Snow Sucks Ass!!!
Well it has been forever since i have written in this dohickey thing! So much has happened! Well no not really my life is a bit boring. Daryl and are still together. It will be 9 months on June 12. Woo and a big HOO!! I love him very very much and am super happy. I live with him in Cato. Its out in the midle of fucking nowhere! It sucks a little but it's nice too. I have lived with him since August. I bought a new car in August too. A 2003 Oldsmobile Alero. I love my car!! Its so awesome. I still work at the Medical billing office in Syracuse, I hate my job. It fucking sucks. I am trying to figure out what the fuck i want to do with my life. i have no idea because i want to go to school but i don't know if i can afford it. i don't know what to do. I am really frustrated. ARRRRGGH.. anyways.thats about it.i am really happy even though my job sucks and my life is going nowhere..go figure..well no one is reading this anyway soooo..im out like a fat kid in dodgeball!

1:47am: yes i am moving once again...
well folks guess what....hehehe i am moving back to Az..i kow your thinking "what??!!?? when did this happen??" well i'll tell ya turns out oswego is really really really expensive and financial aid won't help my poor ass go to school. yep how sad is that i get accepted into an awesome school but can't fucking go because i can't afford it..now thats just dumb. damnit.. so yeah arizona is my home and i miss my friends i have 2 really good friends in NY i never see or talk to one of them and the other is shoved so far up some skanks ass its unreal. so yeah i love you andrew and i am going to miss you soo much but we will hang out before i leave that is a must. i'll miss my family too..my mom and dad and of course my fantastic little sister but she will be leaving soon for school and all and it's time i went away and did my own thing (again) this time i will make things work, this time i have a plan. it feels right. as for daryl well i have been doing some thinking about that..and have decided he is a shitty boyfriend anyway. i see him once a week now and its when he wants to see me..i have no control here and he is just shitty. so screw him dammit! so i have to dump him. i hate breaking up with people..i'm so bad at it. it shouldn't be to bad though he already dumped me once so i figure he deserves it. right? yeah but i'm not telling my friends in az i'm coming back..i'll just surprise them..mwahaha. but yeah i'm excited and scared and sad all at the same time. im going to miss my family sooo much. i know that i have made things difficult for them lately and i never really adjusted to living at home again and neither did they. i think its better this way. for everyone..i love my mom and im going to miss her soo much..thats what sucks about this sort of thing. it's bittersweet. well i'm off to do something don't know what yet. later..i realize im talking to myself cuz NO ONE READS THIS!! well except maybe andrew and my sister maybe my mom but thats all and thats ok cuz your the only ones that matter! love you guys..PEACE

11:09pm: Wow..i ate way too much....
Holy crap i feel like i am going to barf. barf ha thats a funny word. anyways..well to update this whole deal here.. daryl and i are back together that happened on the 4th of july, he called me and asked me to go camping with him and his family..it was fun, we talked about things he admitted to being a fucking idiot and things are good. i got attacked by bugs umm drank way too much and saw some awesome fireworks on the pier in Fair Haven. it was outstanding. so yeah things are good. now i am working as much as i can trying to save money for school and trying to get all the stuff i need to get done for school done. lets hope it all works out. umm lets see. went to a strip club for the first time last night. went with alex, mike, lyndsey and ryan. it was in a word...interesting.. i got violated by a stripper!!!! i put my dollar on the thingy she came over stuck it down my pants then pulled it out with her teeth then she bit her way up my stomach and bit both my boobs!!! then she bit my neck and my ears!! crazyness!!! i was scared..then another stripper grabbed my boobs..i was being groped somethin fierce people. it was unnerving... but anyways. that was my story...the end.

2:33am: Shitty ass week....
lord this has been the week from hell and it needs to end right now. i can not deal with any more..not all of it was bad i will admit. i did not get kicked out of the rents house and i got accepted to Oswego!!!!!! say it with me...wah and hoo!!! ok on to the bad news...well all week i was scared i was going to be homeless so thats a huge stress, i was scared i wouldn't get into oswego..hmm what else..oh yeah on wed daryl kind of broke up with me..he told me he wasn't ready for what was happening..what that means i have no idea..but then the next day he called me and told me he didn't want to stop seeing me because he cared about me too much and just needed to figure out a way to balance having a girlfriend and getting everything he needed to get done, done. so then he came over on friday and things were akward and we talked and i told him he needs to take some time and think about what the hell he wants because i don't know what the fuck i am supposed to do when i'm not sure he wants to be with me. so he has until next sat to figure out what he wants..i know why am i waiting you ask..well i really care about him, i don't know how or when that happened but it did and i don't want to stop seeing him. i like him a lot. dammit..i wish i didn't.things would be easier that way and i wouldn't get hurt..but shit happens i guess. so yeah i have been dealing with all that bull shit and then i found out my aunt has luekimia. i am very close with my aunt, always have been. and because of that i have yet to accept the fact that she is sick. i know that is a very aggressive type of luekimia and i don't know what her chances of survival are but i am ignoring it..i know that as soon as i tell myself it's really happening i am going to have a nervous breakdown..i will flip out..i can feel it. so i hope no one is around me when that happens..it will be bad. so yeah...the week from hell..i am going to go and try to sleep now..happy fourth of july to anyone that reads this retarded ass thing...
a song i like-

Don’t be scared of anything at all
Everything we have is all we need
All the spotlights streaming into angry skies
Means there’s no one watching as we leave
Say the first thing that comes into your head when you see me
If it looks like it works and it feels like works then it works
With the sun on your face all these worries will soon disappear yeah
Just follow me now, just follow me now
I find careful patterns in the snow
Since you didn’t come around but changed your mind
If you just take 10 more steps to me
I won’t ever ask you again
Just because I couldn’t say doesn’t make me a liar
Noticed a changed in the tone of your voice it’s so clear
My loneliness-ness is not something I can be proud of
But it’s all gunna change, yes it’s all going to change
(all gunna change yes it’s all going to change
all gunna change yes it’s all going to change)
Say the first thing that comes into your head when you see me
If it looks like it works and it feels like works then it works
With the sun on your face all these worries will soon disappear, yeah
Just follow me now, just follow me now

2:10pm: argh.........
well still trying to find a second job and can't seem to find a friggin thing. which sucks cuz come friday my ass is on the street. thats going to be so awesome seeing as i have no car and no money and no where to live. fan-fucking-tastic i say. hopefully something good happens and i get to stay a bit longer. daryl has been acting wierd latley. kinda scares me a little but i'm probably just being paranoid. i'm just waiting for one more thing to go wrong in my life. things happen in patterns with me. i'm good for a while then everything turns to shit in one day. that day should be coming up soon. something to look forward to i guess. but anyways thats all i have to say.
something i wrote for your viewing pleasure...

The fear is slowly suffocating me,
It's pushing me down and I can't breathe.
I struggle to the surface, kicking and screaming,
but my strength is gone and hope's slowly fleeing.

Losing my grip, my will slowly fading,
I realize my life isn't one worth saving.
No extrordinary accomplishments, no great things,
The truth of hurts, the reality stings.

I succeeded in fucking up, became a pro at failing,
For my ambition and drive i'm still waiting.
The darness slowly creeps in, i can feel it coming,
I know it's for the best, I can't keep running.

My body is numb, I can't feel the cold,
I close my eyes and let the water take hold.
My head slips under, the world becomes black,
My fears are forgotten, I'm completely relaxed.

Now that i'm gone, maybe you'll see,
The worst thing in your life, has always been me.....
mmm happy thoughts!

12:09am: I am Spongebob, Destroyer of all evil!!!!!
hehe doodlebob is evil. spongebob is funny. anywho. lets see whats new. sitting here with nicole and she is smelling her stinky armpits! cuz she smells like ass and all. oh thats funny right ther. ok moving along. i don't know why i write in this damn thing nobody freaking reads it! i am alone in the world.lets see..i am trying to find a second job because if i don't have a second job by friday i am getting kicked out of my parents house. that would suck...where would i live? ack...so i even applied at taco bell lets hope mike can get my happy ass a job there so i can continue living at my parents house until whenever. spent sat night with daryl we went over to lenny's and watched Wrong Turn, it scared them but i was not afraid! then we watched videos of daryl lenny and dwayne in europe. very funny, a real life euro trip. good times. eurotrip was a funny movie too. ok that is all i have to say about umm everything. so good day..i said good day.

12:52am: who's the goose?
argh i should be sleeping but i'm not tired..no surprise there. my mind is too busy latley. hoping like hell i get into oswego cuz i don't know what the hell i am going to do if i don't. i know that if i do end up getting booted out of my parents house i'll have somewbere to stay until i find something else. i don't want it to be a permanent thing tho cuz thats just not a good idea right now. but my eggs are all pretty much in one basket which is never good. i have a habit of doing that. go me. i score one again. damn me and my retardedness! ack. so yeah lets hope like hell oswego accepts my goofy ass. lets see what else is going on...hmmmm i am still trying to find a second job, or a full time one that pays a lot better. i really am trying but it's so damn hard to find a job these days. it's absurd really. umm yeah thats about it..say it with me folks...BORING!!! man i need some excitment in my life. any ideas? ok i'm done..night

11:53pm: Tyler is gone... :-(
Well we just took tyler to the train station and my lil friend has left. I am going to miss that kid so much he is soo damn funny and fun and just damn i'm sad to see him go. sad..hopefully he comes back to visit again. but yeah..i went up to oswego to visit the campus and it was great..i hope i get in because i am super excited. wahoo! now i am talking to mike on the phone and he is being a jerk. he is a big fat jerk.but anywho...thats all i really have to say. so bye

10:35pm: Cross your fingers....
Well i finished my application and financial aid application for Oswego..woo and hoo! so keep your fingers crossed and hop i get in. if i don't i will have to get my own place and go back to OCC. we''ll see what happens. i hope i get into Oswego that would kick so much ass. but yeah that would mean i have to quit working at the Corner News..haha i'd have to quit workin the corner..get it..haha funny funny. anyways. and i think brian might be a little pissed at me. but i gotta do whats best for me and all so we'll see what happens i guess.
I am feeling much better now, just have this retarded cough that will not go away. it's sucks donkey balls because everytime i laugh i cough. it's embarrassing kinda. i'm like "hahaha-hack cough cough hack-snort-hack hack cough ha!" it's awesome let me tell ya and sexy, man is it sexy..yeah go me! but anywho..i'm actually going up to Oswego tomorrow i have a friend that went there and he is taking me up there to see the campus and such. thats pretty cool, looking forward to that.
Lets see what else is new, an old man hit on me at work tonight. it was funny and a little scary at the same time. old men are perverts i have decided. Bill threw a nasty piece of cheese at me too. it was gross and i wanted to poke him in the eye with a pen. but yeah i guess thats all i have to say for now. so bye bye!

7:38pm: I am dying i think.....
Ugh....i have Bronchitis..how sucky is that? i feel like shit ran over twice, look like it too. it just sucks..umm thats all that really new i guess..i just keep coughing and sneezing and my throat hurts and my chest hurts and i like to whine when i am sick.so deal with it.oooh might be going to a kick ass concert on July 31 in PA..with mike and maybe some other cool people. i hope i go it will be so damn awesome..anyways..i am going to go die now..so it was nice knowing you..bye bye

11:07pm: i can't win....
ugh well lets see what has happened lately..Corbett and i almost broke up..we talked things through tho and things are better..he is upset with me again tho because he went to do a tattoo tonight and wanted me to go with him but i wanted to stay home. what good would i be there? i would sit in this house surrounded by people i don't know and look like a tard. sounds like fun right. not so much..oh well he will get over it i think. anywho..got my acceptance letter to occ so i will be going back in august. yay! very happy about that.i have one more year and i get my degree..woohoo!! yay! ok anywho. i am going to go now because i am hungry and i need some food..bye bye

1:33pm: helloo
well i thought maybe since i have this little doohicky thingy i should maybe update it every now and then. makes sense. ok so whats new with me.i now live in liverpool with my boyfriend who goes by the name of Corbett. he is grreat when he isn't being a tard. i love him tho. he really is a great guy very sweet and treats me good. i am happy finally. yay! i realize i am prob talking to myself because i don't think anyone actually reads this. oh well i don't mind talking to myself. ok next subject. i quit my job at the corner news. it sucked ass. i was getting paid way to little to get harrased by customers. gay ass job. so now i am unemployed. which i hate so i gotta get my ass out there and find me a job, i need money.. umm so thats really about it. very exciting life i lead..anywho.. yeah if there is anyone that reads this and his name happens to be andrew..CALL ME!!!!!we need to hang out and i live in liverpool which is close to you so we should be like joined at the hip really! call me..i could call you as well i think. i do have a phone..i think i will do that. and i love you nicole! woot.
Bye bye

2:26am: it's grape, yesssaaa!!
well i kind of forgot i had this little thing here..hehe don't know that there is anyone that is going to read it..andrew if you read this i heart you and i miss you!!! your ass needs to call me so we can hang out..ok lets see whats going on in my life..trying to find an apartment before march 1st..if i don't i am out on my ass..go me..starting to panic a wee bit. umm workin..i have stalkers!! it's scary..stalkers work at the mall. there is this italian guy i can;t pronounce his name he calls me baby and laughs kinda wierd.. then there is this janitor guy and he keeps telling me he wants to take me to nyc. yeah not happenin..wow when you have a live journal you realize just how boring your life really is..wow i suck donkey balls..all i gotsta say is...Shabootie!! hehehe well i think thats enough boringness for one night..one..i always wanted to say that..all the thug gansta wannabees say it so i thought i should try it on for size..i think i'll say something like..umm potato instead of one when saying goodbye..yeah that works..potato..

2:46pm: blah
my name is crystal martin, and i am a dork. rawr!